the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
