the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
