I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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