I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
