I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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