I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
