I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You were trust falling into bushes
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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