I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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