Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
