throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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