I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
