Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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