I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
