oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
