hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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