yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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