So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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