i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
