got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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