Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Even my vagina gasped.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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