WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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