You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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