I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I want is dick and wine.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
