Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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