i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
