Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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