My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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