I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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