He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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