Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
