I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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