Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Randomize
