I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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