sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
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I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
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sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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