This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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