I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
