the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
