I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Four minutes until I can fart!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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