and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
