in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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