You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
