I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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