I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
