sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
