Where did you get a picture of my penis
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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