dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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