The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
