She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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