i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
