hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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