Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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