I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
