the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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