I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
