You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
