saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize