The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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