I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
